What's Holiday Without Pics?

I always enjoy going on trips with Shane, and especially so when it's just the two of us. The special mother and son bonding time. It is important to dedicate some special time just for him and only for him.


I enjoyed our recent trip to Seoul. No working, no answering of work emails (altho my BB Bold went along with me) and no touching the laptop (altho the X61 went along too), you know, just-in-case.


As a single working mother, it's hard to prioritize altho i know Shane should always come first. But between him and providing food on the table, shelter over our heads, very often it's hard to choose. It's also almost impossible to strike a balance. And despite my trying, i have no other alternative but to place work before him sometimes.


But compared to some, i'm already very fortunate. Looking back, i'm blessed to have lucky stars shining down on me. I met good and kind hearted people, who not only accepted my physical condition at that time but are always looking out for my best interest.


Throughout the years, i also received many encouraging emails and supportive messages from the many of you. These mails are still sitting in my mailbox, and i still read them from time to time.


In March this year, i received a message on my Facebook from a gentleman who said, "...i just want to say that you really are a brave lady and if i am in your shoes, or for that matter, anyone else, i don't suppose how we can better you in how you had lived your life thus far. Picking up the pieces of of a shattered life is easy; it's how you did it so nonchalantly, so effortlessly that impressed me".


Thank you CH. Actualy picking up badly shattered pieces of life is tough. In fact before that, it took me very long (and we are not talking about months) to come to a decision to leave X-man permanently. But once i decided, there was no turning back. Like a slingshot, there was only one way for me to go, which was forward.


Some said i was courageous to walk away from an unhappy marriage.


Frankly, it took more than just guts or courage to decide to leave someone for good, especially when there is a child to think of. From that point of deciding this path, i knew, there would be endless struggles and many sacrifices to make. Like the many smilling single mothers out there, behind their happy faces were trials and tribulations they do not openly talk about. Being brave is certainly not enough to last until you get on to your feet again. It's the very strong determination to make a better life for yourself and your child, the hundred-fold self confidence, the exceptionally strong will to perservere on in times of hardship, the constant never-say-die attitude and the immediate need to pick yourself up from what everyone thinks - a failed marriage. Failure is, as Henry Ford famously once said, "the opportunity to begin again". These are my recipe for what i am today.


But there is one more secret ingredient which i know, has to do with X-man. Since he decided me and Shane were not important enough to be part of his life, naturally, the battered, wounded pride of mine has a very strong desire to show him what a fool he was and still is. (okay, he did say as frequent as he can, that he loves Shane, but the truth is very obvious in his actions...)


But to be honest, i'm also not perfect, far from it actually. If given a chance to start all over again, i would still choose to be with X-man and i will live it differently for Shane. We were young then and being young and hot headed, we made very bad and impulsive decisions. I have no regret being a single mother; i want a happy and stress-free life, I want my son to grow up in a happy environment, he deserves to be, but in the course of seeking that happiness, i have also caused him to grow up without a father and very often, i question that decision. Did i do it for Shane so that he won't have to grow up in a dysfunctional family, or did i do it more so for my own selfish sake, that i'm actually a weak person who can't take a broken heart and need an escape route? After all, if i managed to pick up shattered pieces to where i am today, surely, i would be able to withstand those turbulence years, won't i? And is Shane truly happy now or have i failed to consider his tender feelings throughout all these years?


Anyway, back to Seoul. My apologies, i am a little too carried away this evening and this entry has to end off on a slightly heavy note.


So here it is, our pics in video clip, or mainly Shane's coz yours truly had a bad hair week in Seoul and must be refrained from taking too many narcissistic photos. This clip is about eight minutes long, so if you are watching this at work, be careful who is behind you :)